Daw Je to HK: Homesick...but Finally Home

I was meaning to put this up three weeks ago and have failed yet again. I have been writing this post for 16 days and much of it is outdated. (I'm now in Los Angeles and just had my first day (...now week) of school back. That's a whole other post on superficiality, intimidation, and readjustment.) However, I still wanted to express my initial feelings and observations of coming back. My blog on secondary impressions is being started so maybe in the near future you'll read about another stage of my reverse culture shock...and maybe even about my long promised 4 month late travels. (Likely? You decide.)

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After being abroad for 7 months and 10 days I am finally back to the place I call home. It's been an amazing journey. When people ask about it, I never know how to start, how to explain what has been the most amazing experience... I can talk. I can show with the pictures that I have...the ones that weren't stolen! But retrospective words somehow cannot quite capture its essence. And for some reason, this is what contributes to my loneliness.

Somehow this blog sometimes catches a glimmer of what I feel, how traveling has impacted my very essence. I am always the most pensive and real when I write. So for anyone that reads this blog, thank you (daw je/xie xie/kap koon ka/terima kasih/cheers) for being there for me. It's nice to be heard sometimes, especially on pensive ramblings that mean so much to my sanity. That is unless I do not know you. Then...get a job or something.

Alone with my thoughts.
But beauty once again. The sanity-saving equivalent to London parks and Asian gardens.
Laie Beach, Hawaii

After being away for so long, it's ironically yet inevitably unfamiliar being home. I have told a few people and I still stick by this. I am homesick. How in the world does this happen when you are home, weirdest Crystal? Sigh, I've built myself a home in HK; I've built myself a home in London. Right now, I miss them both to pieces. I probably shouldn't be reflecting as it makes it hurt so much, but how else would I grow?

I didn't realize how essential growth and learning were going to be to me when I first started this journey. And as I reread an earlier blog entry, I am glad that I started my journey with the philosophy: To do, not just to see to tell, but to change. When I started this journey I wanted to grow as an individual and world citizen. I didn't want my experience to be easy, in hotels and only in shopping malls. In the end, I'd say I didn't get easy. I'm impressed that I was able to learn so much...so much about cultures, so much about different perspectives, so much about the human heart...

I tried for every part of my travels, for all 7 months and 10 days, to live for the experience, to enrich myself and others around me. Learning was a priority over fun, over comfort, even over friends and safety sometimes. And for this, it was hard to shun easy. With easy I may have enjoyed life, but would I be living it? And by me always keeping this mindset, for me to actually try, I got the experience that I did. And for that, I don't regret mistakes. I do so much, but yet...no. It has allowed me to become an empathetic person. Before travelling I could only be a sympathetic person, understanding only a half.

I now understand poor (up to a level, true), what it's like to starve, to only look at the "discounted but still fresh" section to find your lunch and dinner for under 3 pounds. I now know what true loneliness is...what it's like to really leave...how people just need to be heard. I saw truly desperate, both financially and emotionally, and have experienced both. I have learned how to hide tears in the subway. I saw what it's like to need to communicate and not be able to in not only language, but also emotions. I've felt unexpected generosity and complete openness from strangers. I have seen how strongly people need each other, but more so, how strongly people need their pride. I have seen the power of sitting amongst the weeds. I've seen the power of one flower, one dollar, one smile. I have learnt the complexity of the human self. How much you can learn from a stranger. How much you can still learn from a good friend. I have learned what utter disappointment is, how full a heart can be and how quickly that can empty. I have seen how much I want to do with my life. But yet, I still must figure out how I can make that impact.

I am so excited to be in my childhood home, don't get me wrong. I've been looking forward to sleeping on my small but perfect bed with Strawberry Shortcake sheets, feeling my parents' unconditional love by their feeding me obese levels of Hawaii food, and having a stronger connection with my grandparents by having "conversations" in the languages of my roots.

However, being home is still not 100%. Part of my mind and heart has been left behind. I want to share what was my world, what inspired me, what ugly things I participated in. But I realize this can never happen.

I talked to my brother and he told me, "Crystal, of course you're depressed again. Maybe if you're lucky you'll stop being depressed by the end of the semester." I asked him how to make the pain go away. The only things that kept him going through the worst time of his life was daily doses of War of Worldcraft and Friends. And yes, I meant to type in Friends and not real friends...how sad our lives are, I know. His prescription was to watch a good movie, 300 perhaps, and by all means to not talk to friends because that makes it hurt. Similarly the only thing that kept my cousin Todd going was hating life with other depressed abroad returners and watching the awesomely bad reality show about stranger "love", Shipmates. What is to become of me?

Look at these non-depressed, naiveties pre-travel.
Some may call it the calm before the storm. 1988.
This is my brother.

It hurt like this when I left HK. The loneliness, the longing for familiarity, needing people that you shared experiences with. It's hard for me to go through this again but this time it's been easier. Maybe it's because I actually have more than a hands-worth of friends here. Quite frankly I sort of have to get used to knowing people again. But weirdly enough with love from so many family and friends I still feel a weird sense of loneliness. People do not always understand. I love talking about my explorations but it usually lacks that connection of a strong understanding...or even that people really want to hear it.

I stumbled upon this reverse culture shock site in my last ditch to add an emotional roller coaster graph (not found). I was surprised at how impeccable its description is to what I wrote with several descriptions of my current ethos. It's nice to know that I'm not alone but am with other losers with this seemingly irrational perspective of loneliness, agitation and lack of inspiration.

Despite my sagacious brother's warnings, I've been keeping myself busy with quality people and things that remind me of what I miss: exploration, cultural immersion, and loving things like I may never be able to again. These have kept me going and smiling. Keeping busy takes away the amount of time you have to think. Boredom is incessant thinking and devastation. I know I did not want easy, but sometimes I can't keep myself from trying to get over this and scheduling too much in to distract myself. But other times I feel like I shouldn't try to forget. I shouldn't cop out and pretend that my travels aren't a significant part of my life and just move on.

I have 11 days in Hawaii. I only have 5 more left. Hopefully at that time I will not be writing another lame blog about being homesick. Crystal, suck it up you're only in such pain because of how amazing your year has been. You have been tremendously lucky to have traveled to 7 different countries in 7 months. And I realize this. And I thank everyone who has allowed me to do that, which includes everyone reading this for you have all in some sense experienced this with me and provided support.

Fighting the consequences of the travel bug, I decided to smack it with it's own medicine, to travel within my home. I mean, why can't I explore this home? I know I'm only in Hawaii of all places but maybe I could jump off a waterfall or something. Ugh.

Some hike in a Palolo, Hawaii backyard with random fruit plants and a sewage pipe

So yesterday I went hiking up a random unheard of "trail". We printed out directions to get to this "hike." So after winding up a few roads, passing a "white pole that says 'Let there be peace on Earth'" and a KAPU (forbidden in Hawaiian) sign we got to this "trail"...probably someone's back yard. Looking around we did not see a very distinct path but with our critical thinking skills decided to just head for the stream and follow it as there was a waterfall ending. Unfortunately, to get down we had to climb down a nearly vertical hill and cling to vines and roots. Fortunately, we saw ginger (which have highly useful roots...though not for clinging to) and Hawaii mountain apples (which we couldn't hit down with rocks). And shhh..secretly I love random non-trails.

Matsumoto's shave ice. Infamous. (See 50 First Dates)
Me being weird and uncoordinated...dropping some.

That morning I remember missing being able to wander and smell the most fragrant roses from a random UK garden. But then for the first time I felt that I was able to finally appreciate Hawaii, to really appreciate it's gorgeous nature and idealized essence with one deep breath of ginger. I was at home. I was able to smell what Hawaii is, what everyone dreams it to be. Seeing an actual ginger plant, a non-commercial interaction with this herbal and essential culinary ingredient in the wild with its untouched white flowers blew my mind. I know, I sometimes look too much into things...

Home...like "home"
Same same but different