The End is Soon

I wanted to let everyone know that I am physically ok. I haven't been writing because of my attempt to be too busy to feel homesick not because of any bomb incidents, torrential flooding, or a physical inability to. Thank you to everyone who thought about me when they heard about all the terrorist attacks in the UK from attempted car bombs to an inflamed car speeding toward Glasgow's airport and even when there happened to be too much rain in this already rain-soaked country. It's nice to know that some people care about my safety.

If you didn't know, terrorism scares gripped Britain several weeks ago and non-stop raining flooded much of the middle of England this past week...and then some.

Although I haven't been writing online, I did write about my reflections on these powerful incidents in my journal which I am sharing with you now, postdated on July 2nd. Initially these things didn't phase me. It felt so far away. But one day when I was sitting at work looking at the map of the car bomb locations, it really hit home. I was there. I walked those streets. I looked at Tiger Tiger and thought that could be a fun place to be one night. But it definitely would not have been fun on that night. Here it is:

On Thursday evening two cars were found in relation to terrorism attacks. They had petrol and nails in them. If they blew up it would've sent huge fireballs with shrapnel the size of houses throughout a 400 yard radius. The cars were found in Piccadilly Circus and Trafalgar Square, close to the pub where I work.

Initially the disastrous event didn't really hit me. It was not a reality to me; it didn't affect me; it didn't seem to harm my living. However, when I saw the pictures of where it occurred and actually thought about these attacks in more than a selfish, immature way, it's scary. It's really scary...

I work close to the places that were supposed to be bombed. Just the other week I left work, took a drink at another pub and tried to find the bus back home. I took a few wrong buses, of course. (e.g. wrong direction, switched number, which one's stop E?!, fell asleep, got my phone stolen...ok not all of that is from that night...) I ended up through Piccadilly Circus, Trafalgar Square and Oxford Street, the places mentioned before. I remember seeing the club Tiger Tiger and thinking how ghetto-swanky it looked and reminisced about Singapore (because everything in Singapore is Tiger-related, from Tiger Balm to Tiger beer) and Tiger Heat (the most hopping Cali-based gay (aka 'light' in England) club). The car bombs were found outside Tiger Tiger when an ambulance man who was attending to a knocked-up inebriated man saw smoke coming from a Mercedes, i.e. the car bomb that would have devastated this city I love. It seems too surreal. That was where I was. That is where I could have been. That is where I continue to bus past.

Bombs could be wherever I go, sure. These "hot spots of terrorism" however, are places where I frequent. They're upping security at Wimbledon, at the parks, at the airport. These are all places where I will be this week. And then it really hit: this affects me. Fireballs the size of bloody houses?! I can't handle that. Shrapnel piercing through staggering night clubbers trying to run away? No, la.

But what hit me most was the question that seemed the most logical then: If a large piece of nail pierced my chest and I did died, how would I feel? And I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't mind so much that I'd be dead. I mean it wouldn't be ideal. I would have liked to have seen Japan, to have seen friends and family again, to change the world in insignificant ways, yes. But I would be fine with the end of my life if it occurred tomorrow. The end would be the end, yes. However, I'd care more on how people would remember me and react to my end of existence. I'm just curious who'd cry, who'd care. If anything would really be different.

I thought about my life and concluded that if I died I'm pretty happy with where I am now as a person. If people just remember my life up to now, no regrets. I've been so enriched from traveling and have become a person that I could look at objectively and not despise too much. I have grown and gotten a better understanding on my true personality, how much of a nutter I am, how curious and full of intention I am, and how dilatory and pensive I've become. Traveling costs so much money and time that I and everyone else always have too little of. I am just so lucky to fit in traveling even when I think I cannot.

I am rather happy with where I am now despite me feeling lost and behind all the time. I have met so many amazing people abroad and made meaningful experiences with them. This made me appreciate all of the people and experiences that I have at home. Unfortunately I'm homesick and ironically this consequently makes me already miss London and HK. I cried yesterday...in a good way. I realized that I have grown so much in all these places that I am and will miss so much. My heart has grown in HK and England. Leaving these places and the people here makes me feel empty not because my heart is torn out. But my heart has become larger by living in these places, and a loss from leaving them makes my heart still greater than it was before. It's good. I've grown...but it doesn't make it hurt less.

But I will be reunited one day, possibly. I will be reunited with Hawaii soon, hopefully soon enough.